So, here I sit at 12:58 a.m. eating a pop-tart while everyone else is peacefully dreaming away the night. I just finished mopping and tidying up the house as quietly as I could. I wish I could say my midnight cleaning spree was brought on by my deep desire to be a stellar housewife or "Proverbs 31 woman", but alas, it is not. Instead, it was brought on by my deep desire for a mocha frappe with bubbles in it at nine o'clock at night. Lesson learned.
I've been feeling particularly insecure and unsure of things today. I'm one of the most insecure people I've ever met. Remember that feeling as a 13 year old that your legs and arms were too long for your body? Or that feeling that no one approved of your outfit? (OK, after looking back at photos from back then, I give everyone the freedom to mock me. Yikes.) I still feel that same insecurity sometimes.
Except it's with more important things like how I'm rearing my children or what I'm feeding them or HOW I'm feeding them. I'm quick to tell others "fuhgetaboutit! It's your kid...do what you want", and then forget my own advice. Where does that come from, anyway?? Where do those thoughts of insecurity and doubt of my abilities come from? 'Scuse me...from whence do they come? Can't end a sentence in a preposition, right Mom? Well, I'll tell ya like my Mama told me..."from the pit of hell". That's right. Those are lies from the pit of hell, and I won't listen. OK, maybe I do listen sometimes...like today. I worried and fretted about things from a self-centered point of view and had to remind myself to stop. Seriously. I'm not a toddler. I must realize the world doesn't revolve around me and that people and their circumstances do not dictate what happens in my own life.
Sidenote: This is the ONLY concept I took from the child development course I took in college...children are egocentric. No wonder I made a "C". Anyway...
My security lies in the Lord. HE knows what HE has shown me to do and what He has taught me to do through others. That's where my security lies and that's where all doubts flee. There is no doubt that He will enable me to be the wife and mother HE has called me to be. That's all I can do. I can't and won't measure up to what everyone else THINKS I am or thinks I SHOULD be. So there.
It is now 1:22 and I'm still wired. There's another pop-tart staring at me. Why do they package 2 pop-tarts together in the same pouch when only 1 is a serving size? Do they THINK I need 400 calories instead of 200?? One of life's many questions.
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"There is no doubt that HE will enable (you) to be the wife and mother HE has called (you) to be. That's all (you) can do." amen and amen. Praying without ceasing will lead you step by step. And when you are my age and you look back on you children's growing up years and the devil tries to tell you that you could have done better, you will remind him and yourself - HE enabled you to be the wife and mother He called you to be. I remember where you are, they are the sweetest, hardest days. I miss my little ones sweet/hard days but I am enjoying them as adults. Sweet fruit of much labor.
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