Following directions

Oy. I have sat at this computer for the last hour and a half trying to change the template of the blog. I read countless instruction sites and tried a hundred different ways of doing it. I finally scrolled down a little further and saw the REST of the directions. If only I had done that an hour and a half ago. I wouldn't have a horrible crink in my neck or a sore bottom from this wretched chair! Oh well. The new blog is prettier than the old one, I think. ;-)

Why don't we follow directions anyway?? I'm the worst about diving in and not even looking at the instruction manual. Give me a bookcase from IKEA with a billion different parts, and I'm in hog heaven. Toss the manual and dive in...that's me. You'd think I was a man or something. I can remember my teachers in elementary school always saying "you need to slow down and follow the directions".

The one area that I don't want to ignore instruction is my spiritual life and ministry. Right now I'm really seeking my ministry. 10 years ago when I moved here, I really felt lead to the area of inner-city ministry. Over the last few years I have felt a shift to women and now to moms. I love mamas. I love being a mama. I love being around mamas. I'm inspired by other mamas. I'm encouraged by other mamas. I LOVE MAMAS.

So, what now?? What do I do with all that? Hmmm...

Don't pick that!!

Remember when you were little, and you got a scrape on your knee? What did your parents tell you? "Don't pick that scab, you'll leave a scar", right? I was pretty obedient, but for some reason, this was one thing I couldn't help. I wanted the scab OFF...they were just gross. But what I was left with was even worse. A wound that took forever to heal and a lovely scar afterward. Pretty.

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't know who "they" are, by the way. Just the collective "they", I guess. Anyway, I don't think that's necessarily true. It may heal OVER time, but it's not the actual time that heals them. They take longer to heal when you pick them. Pick and pick until you're left with an oozing, disgusting hole in your flesh. That's attractive. In some ways this is what I tend to do with my life. Pick at the situation I'm in until it becomes something so completely different that I don't recognize the original problem anymore. Allow things to fester until I'm so eaten up with disgust or frustration or hurt. This can't be good, I'm thinking.

The reason for all this thought would be so simple to some. I was taking pictures out of a frame and putting new ones in. It's taken me quite a while to do this, and I haven't really been ready until now. Without even thinking about it I started my task, then began to think. Then the wound started opening again. Apparently, I'm still in the "scab" stage. As the emotions and thoughts started pouring out, I kept at my task. When they wouldn't stop, I had to sit down and start writing it out.

You'd think after two years I'd be over it, right? Nah. This is one wound that time hasn't healed. See, only God has brought me through to this point. I've tried everything else though too. I've tried blocking it out...medication...staying busy...putting on my big girl panties and getting over it. Some of those things worked part of the time, but didn't really HEAL.

How do you "get over" the love in your heart for someone you've lost? How do you move on? For me, initially, it was just clinging to God. Knowing that He was the One Who could get me through those first dark, dark months. I look back and think "how in the world did we get through that??" and just know it was by His hand. Now, it just becomes a little less of an "ouchy" each day. It's weird. It's kind of like a tornado. You really don't see it coming, and it leaves lots of destruction in its wake. But you can watch it as it gets further and further away knowing it won't be coming back. You're left with a mess to clean up, but you CAN pick up the pieces. You can and you will...just one day at a time.